How to Make Women Chase You.

Most men shoot themselves in the foot by pursuing women aggressively, a.k.a. “chasing” them. Not only does this behavior turn a woman off, but it completely destroys any possibility that the woman will chase you.

In any relationship, at the beginning, one party is going to be more interested than the other. As a guy, it’s always better for you if the girl is more interested in you than you are in her. Here’s how to make sure that women chase you rather than vice-versa:

1) Go Slow At First

When you first start dating, or even just talking to a woman you’re interested in, you want to take it really slow. Don’t be all up in her business 24/7 asking her to hang-out, texting her, bringing her little presents or whatever. Instead, act casual. Don’t treat her like you think she’s a big deal. Act like she’s just some girl you know.

2) Give Her Space

If you meet a woman at a bar, don’t suffocate her with your attention. The mistake most guys make is that when they find a girl who is willing to talk to them, they stick on her like a piece of lint from that moment on. They stay by her all night, they ignore everybody else, and they basically act like she is the focal point of their entire universe. Bad, bad, bad!

Instead, talk to her for a minute and then turn to your friend or the guy next to you at the bar and start talking to them. Or go take a leak, or whatever and then go back to the girl. This way she’ll be thinking “hmmm? I wonder if he’s going to come back?”

The same thing goes when you’ve just started dating a woman. Keep doing the stuff you were doing before you met her, like going out with your friends… Don’t try to see her every day.

3) Date Other Girls

When you’re dating new women all the time, you send out a totally different vibe than a guy who doesn’t date much. You’ll seem relaxed and content, not anxious and horny like some guy who hasn’t gotten laid in 10 years.

Also, a woman is way more likely to chase you if she thinks you date a lot. If she thinks you’re all hers, she’ll wait for you to call her. If she thinks she has competition she’ll be thinking, “What is he doing right now? I hope he’s not with that blonde he was talking to… Dammit I should give him a call!”

Of course you shouldn’t mention the other girls you are dating, just act like it’s assumed. You don’t even need to be dating anyone else for this to work. Just act like you are. Try to develop an abundance mindset towards dating.

While dating multiple girls is easier said than done, once you have three or four girls you are seeing, new ones will just seek you out and start chasing you because you are putting out this crazy stud vibe that women can’t resist.

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Why Single Women Want Good Sex and Romance.

To be more correct, single women don’t want sex – they want good sex and romance. Women’s desires are much greater than most men realize. But, unlike men, who are just after sex, single women are looking for great sexual experiences. Single women are very discriminating and choosy in picking sexual partners.

They are only interested in having a sexual encounter with a partner that:

Sexually arouses them.
Promises, by his manner or image or personality, to be “good in bed.”
Single women want exciting, provocative, imaginative partners who will lead them through great sexual experiences. Though their sexual desire may be very high, they will pass up just any sexual encounter waiting to find the one that promises to be special.

The fact that single women are choosy about who they go to bed with and have sex with is a dilemma for men, but there is one good aspect to this trait. Single women, once they do choose, tend to stay with him, and are reluctant to change partners. Single women know that good sex is hard to find, so once they have it, they would rather hang on to that relationship than go back out into the market place. Keep in mind this propensity to stay in a relationship because sex exists only as long as the sex is good.

The last thought in this section is something that we have come to realize is a cardinal rule to be used in reading women. That is: SINGLE WOMEN HAVE SEX WITH MEN WHO THEY WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH. At first, this phrase may sound too simple and obvious to have any wisdom to it, but let us expand on it.

The meaning behind it is, that if a woman decides that she would like to sleep with someone, she will pursue that person relentlessly. And on the other hand, if a woman has decided that she is not interested in sleeping with someone, no amount of pursuit or persuasion is going to move her. Many men have wasted their precious time and energy by ignoring this reality.

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Struggling to get woman for a date? Here is some tips on “How to Get Women to Date You”

Hey Joseph,

I was reading The Art of Approaching, under the online openers. And the one where you send an email saying how you’re good looking, funny, etc., then modest, I used that on a girl and she responded very well to it.

But since then it’s been very ho-hum. I can’t get to meeting her. All I got is her AIM screenname. But I don’t know how to take it to the next step. I know that I have to meet her if I want anything to happen, but I don’t know how it should be done. I need your help.

– Stephen


Hi Stephen,

First of all — of COURSE that email got a great response! That’s one of my patented internet dating techniques.

(You know I’d never share something with you that DOESN’T work!)

But you seem to be running into a common problem that most guys who are dating on the internet eventually run into…

THE TRANSITION!

You know, the part where you move from online to offline.

In a way, it’s really no different from setting up a date after meeting a woman in the real world.

See, when it comes to first contact, be it email, telephone, or a cold approach, you should always be thinking of one thing…

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The Date!

Get her to agree to meet with you. Period.

Until that happens, it isn’t real. She’s either not serious or not interested until she commits to a date.

When it comes to email, the trick is to get her on the phone as soon as possible. You could say something like:

Hey, great. You’re a real person. Now that we’ve established that, let’s talk. This email thing is for the birds. You can call me at XXX-XXX-XXXX. But try to call before 10, because that’s when my mom makes me go to sleep. =)

If you’re comfortable with it, you can give me your number and make me do all the dirty work.

Talk soon,

(your name here)

Once you get her on the phone and you’re able to establish some rapport, then you can set up a date to meet.

Make it something low-pressure so she’ll feel comfortable. Something like getting coffee or a drink. This will give you two a chance to get to know each other and see if it’s worth going forward.

The same is true when meeting a girl in person.

Lots of guys like to try and go for the phone number right away.

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But why?

I look at the phone number as a “last resort.”

This is because you want to get her to go out with you AS FAST AS POSSIBLE.

If she’s up for it, take her out right then and there. Ask her if she’s got time for a quick cup of coffee.

If not, try and set up a date right there. Ask her if she’s free the next night or that very weekend.

Once the date is set up, then exchange your numbers.

Or, if she’s not immediately available, THEN ask her for her number and try calling to set up the date.

Remember: Move fast and with purpose.

Until she goes out with you, she’s not really committed to having a romantic encounter.

The WORST thing you can do is hesitate and draw out asking her to meet you again.

Lots of girls will begin to wonder if you’re really interested if you don’t ask her out. So don’t wait. Seize the opportunity when you have the chance.

If you’re really serious about getting more dates than you can handle, you really need to learn my secrets.

You could be letting the woman of your dreams slip through your fingers if you don’t act right this second.

Don’t waste another minute. You don’t know if you’ll get that chance again.

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Have you ever wondered how to talk to woman?

By golly, you’ve actually met a woman.

Maybe you’re in bar. Maybe you’re at the gym or laundromat. Maybe she’s someone you know from work. Or maybe, even, you’re actually out on a date.

In any event, now you’ve got to do something scary, something unpredictable, something with the power to launch a future romantic relationship, or end one before it even gets started. YOU’VE GOT TO TALK TO HER.

What do you talk about? Should you tell her about your childhood, your therapist, your plans for the future, the wart on your big toe? What if you can’t think of anything to say? What if you say the wrong thing? And, by the way, what would be the “right” thing to say? Do you have a clue?

Most guys don’t. When your average gent converses with a woman, he’s basically just flailing blindly at the wind, hoping by chance that something he says will “connect” with the woman and make her fall for him.

Needless to say, this is not the “Don Juan” way of doing things.

You need to have a plan. You need to know DEFINITELY what works and what doesn’t, what to talk about and what not to talk about. You don’t want to leave her feelings to chance or to fate. You want to be charming and in control.

And that’s what we’re going to discuss right now.

Now there are many many aspects of a conversation. This particular article focuses on the conversational TOPICS that you should focus on when wooing a beautiful lady. Those topics which will almost GUARANTEE increased interpersonal attraction. Topics which will leave you in complete charge of the conversation, and which will leave you the option, IF YOU SO DESIRE, of future conversations, dates, or an intense romantic relationship.

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Are you getting excited?

Okay, so WHAT exactly do you talk about?

Well, the first thing to remember is that men frequently err by talking TOO MUCH. They often monopolize conversations, droning on and on about topics that bore women to tears. They think they’re “impressing” the women when, in reality, they’re “depressing” the women.

Just because a woman listens to you and acts interested in what you’re saying doesn’t necessarily mean she really is. She might just be acting polite while silently wishing that the date would hurry up and end, or that you would go away… and never come back.

So key number one is DON’T TALK SO MUCH! Try not to monopolize the conversation and try to LISTEN to what SHE has to say. Remember, everyone is incredibly interested in what they themselves have to say. People will talk to you about themselves for as long as you will listen.

So stop worrying about what you’re going to say next. Focus all your attention and energy on listening to what the woman is saying to you. Try to visualize or “feel” what she’s saying.

This does take a little effort. It’s not very hard to do, but it’s not something that men “naturally” do. You simply have to concentrate.

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Now when listening you want to pay particular attention to any “seeds” or free information she happens to throw your way. Seeds refer to subtle hints that women give that point to conversational topics that they would like to or be willing to discuss.

An example:

Bob: You come here often?
Kim: Actually this is my first time here. Just moved here from Florida.
Bob: Oh. I come here every week. I love this band. It’s pretty crowded tonight.

Bob is clueless.

Kim gives him plenty of free information to follow up on. It’s almost as if she’s testing him to see if he has the intelligence or social skills to capitalize on what she says. Bob fails.

So what would be the “right” thing to say?

Well… she mentions that this is her first time in the club and she just moved here from Florida. Bob could have properly “watered the seeds” by asking a) How does she like the club, band, etc? b) What brought her here from Florida? c) How long has she been in the area? d) Where in Florida is she from? e) How long was she there? f) What’s it like there?

Kim’s two short sentences gave Bob tons of information to follow up on. Tons of conversational topics that she has indirectly indicated that she’d like to talk about. But Bob was too worried about himself. Too worried about the impression he was making. Too worried about what to say next to LISTEN to what she said.

Do you see the importance of listening now? You must concentrate on what she says and block everything else out of your mind. If you listen you never have to worry about what to say next because the other person is “telling” you exactly what to say.

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How to Change Your Love Life TODAY!

Every morning when you wake up, I want you to say TODAY’S THE DAY I will do something about my love life.

Today’s the day I will go to the mall and buy a new shirt and pants for meeting Miss Perfect.

Today’s the day I will smile at all women I meet.

Today’s the day I will go to Barnes and Noble and buy “How to Speak to Girls.”

Today’s the day because the future is built on TODAY. The past is gone and tomorrow isn’t born yet. Today is right in your hands. Today’s the day you will finally make that move.

Every day in March say TODAY’S THE DAY.

Every day in April say TODAY’S THE DAY.

Every day in May say TODAY’S THE DAY.

Every day in June say TODAY’S THE DAY.

Every day in July say TODAY’S THE DAY.

Every day in Audust say TODAY’S THE DAY.

On the Forth of July, when you are near a group of girls say to yourself TODAY’S THE DAY I will start a conversation. Suddenly you will feel a power from inside and it will be stronger than ever before. You will say “I can. I can do it. I feel it. I RULE!”

You see your target. You walk over to her. You say, “What’s your name?” You offer to get her some punch. You feel the power and you make your verbal moves. Soon you can’t believe what you are hearing:

“It’s 999-9999, and that’s Patti with an ‘i’.”

Then a little voice inside tells you “TODAY WAS THE DAY.”

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The Power of Smiling – try it!

What happened to me today just reinforced the first rule of being sociable: Smiling.

I had to give out leaflets today to help out with some advertising. I wasn’t too bothered about it, and I didn’t expect anything to happen from it. However, this is where my natural charm kicked in.

I wonder, have you noticed, that when someone smiles at you in a friendly way, you smile back automatically? It’s something built in all of us.

And today, while I was handing out the leaflets, I smiled at everyone I saw. Not a big-toothed grin, a simple, friendly smile. And sure enough, 98% of them SMILED BACK.

No matter how sour or grumpy they looked, I got a smile out of most of them. Men, women, children, and the elderly. I got smiles.

When someone smiles at you in a friendly way, you smile back automatically.
Of course there was that other 2%, but you know right away if they don’t respond civilly to an innocent smile, they’re probably too stuck-up and weird anyway.

What is my point here?

Simple. Next time friendly way, or a club, or just walking down the street, if you see a woman that catches your fancy, smile. Simple as that.

And you have an instant ice-breaker when she smiles back.

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The Step-by-Step Guide to the Perfect Approach

Imagine you are taking a walk in the city.

The sun is shining. It’s a beautiful day. Or let’s say that it could be a beautiful day if you wouldn’t see so many beautiful women. It’s pure torture. You see one stunning girl after another and they all walk around in short dresses.

You would give everything to talk to one of these girls, to make her smile, and to take her out on a date.

But you are too afraid.

You can’t even remember the last time you approached a woman. Just the idea of approaching a woman makes you want to throw up. You don’t know how to stand, what to say, or when to ask her for her number. If you only knew these things, you would be way more confident.

Don’t you think it’s time to learn the steps of the perfect approach?

1. Overcome Approach Anxiety

Yes, you can approach thousands of women and desensitize yourself to the experience of talking to beautiful women. That can work. But there’s an easier way and it starts in your mind.

Most men are so afraid of approaching women that their mind produces one horror scenario after another. As a result, approaching women becomes a burden instead of an exciting experience.

What’s the solution? Change your focus. Instead of focusing on all the negative things that could happen, you focus on achieving your goals. Imagine how it would feel to kiss a beautiful woman at the end of the date. If you leave your house with this image in mind, you can’t lose.

2. Have Fun When You Go Out

What do most guys do when they go out to approach women?

They are determined to get a few numbers and they try to look as cool as possible. As a result, they look aggressive and way too serious.

That’s not how you get girls. Girls want to date fun guys who love to have a good time. They want a playful adventurer. And in order to become this fun and playful man, you need to realize that approaching gorgeous women is not different than approaching any other person.

3. Don’t Hesitate

Men who hesitate masturbate.

It makes me cringe when I go to a bar and I see a bunch of guys who are staring at a girl without doing anything. The only thing you have to do in such a situation is to walk up to her and say hi.

Not hesitating is the best way to set yourself apart from all the other men who stand there and don’t take action.

4. Be Friendly and Charming

Unfortunately, a lot of guys take the advice to be alpha a bit too far. They confuse being a strong leader with looking like an Uruk-hai from The Lord of The Rings. Sorry, but looking like a mass murderer is not a good idea, at least not when you want to get dates with beautiful women.

Instead of being as alpha as possible, you should test how it is to be as friendly as possible.

Think about it. The moment you approach a woman she doesn’t know whether you are a genuine man or a rapist. You are a complete stranger and being friendly helps her to become comfortable around you.

5. Give Her a Compliment

There are a lot of misconceptions about giving women compliments. And yes, while giving compliments in a needy way can backfire, giving them with confidence can be extremely attractive.

The problem that a lot of guys who avoid giving compliments have is that the women they talk to don’t know what they actually want. When you give her a compliment she knows what you want. This can save you a lot of time.

6. Connect With Her

Every man who wants to approach women should also know how to connect with them. Women want to feel something before they allow a man to seduce them and connection is what triggers these feelings.

But don’t worry. It’s not that hard to connect with women. It’s a simple three-step process.

Share your hobbies and passion with her.
Ask her about her hobbies and passion.
Refer her hobbies and passion to yourself.
That’s how you connect with women.

7. Have a Natural Conversation

A natural conversation flows. There are no uncomfortable pauses and you don’t just switch the topic without a reason.

Keep these things in mind when you talk to women. Don’t just talk about a topic because you want to talk about it and don’t just ask for her number because you promised yourself to get it in less than five minutes.

Let the conversation flow.

8. Read Her Signs

Women are not evil. They want you to succeed. In case you’ve watched the movie Hitch, you know that no woman wakes up saying “God, I hope I don’t get swept off my feet today”.

When a woman likes you, she will let you know.

The only problem is that a lot of men are blind to the signals of women. Most men don’t even notice when a woman plays with her hair or bites her lips. I hope you are one of the few men who are aware of these signals.

9. Don’t Ask for Her Number

One of the biggest mistakes guys make is to ask for a girl’s number. Okay, asking is better than walking away with no phone number, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a more effective technique.

Don’t ask for her number. Demand her number.

Women are somehow conditioned to say no when a guy asks them for their number. She doesn’t feel the same pressure when you tell her to put her number into your phone. Say it with confidence and she will do it.

10. Enjoy Your First Date

Just keep your smartphone in your pocket and enjoy your date.

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First Impressions Count, so dress up and show up— Dressing Well and Accessorising

The saying goes — you should always leave the house dressed as if you’re about to meet the woman of your dreams.

I am sure many of you who read the blog and are becoming better and better at interacting with women are also looking to better yourselves in other supporting factors which help to achieve this goal of being better with women, such as, fashion.

First impressions matter, and they matter a lot — making a good one will definitely help you in scoring the date in the first place.

This is not to say that you need to be dressed according to what people define as “stylish”, if you don’t feel confident in what you’re wearing then that will be counter-intuitive. But on the flip side, many of us men never ventured out of our comfort zone revolving around loose pants and large-fitting T-shirts, perhaps a hoodie if it’s one of the chillier months.

So like the article just be yourself is bad advice, in the case of being a newcomer to the world of dressing well, you should definitely not be yourself — as your style matures and you begin to feel out what clothes and shoes and watches etc. suit you and your personality best this of course will become “be yourself”.

well dressed man

BUT, until then we are here to offer advice on how to accessorize — should you be interested in delving into accessories.

As the name suggests ‘accessories’ are just that, you definitely do not NEED them, and you can get away without wearing anything extra just fine.

However, accessories do have the power to make a somewhat boring outfit interesting, to reflect your personality, to be interesting conversation starters and to simply make you feel more confident “look good feel good” as cliché as it sounds definitely applies to being well dressed.

First of all, when it comes to accessories for men, the most common ones are as follows:

Watches
Wallets
Wedding bands
Glasses
Sunglasses
Rings
Earrings
Bracelets
Necklaces
(Bow) Ties
Tie clips
Pocket squares
Cufflinks

Out of these the last 4 can be considered formal wear and you won’t encounter them in casual every-day situations.

The rest range from ‘green’ which are widely accepted and worn by the majority of men, to ‘red’ which are items men are warier of delving into.

Each accessory definitely plays into how a woman might form her first impression of you — do you wear a digital watch or a diver? Do you have a Velcro wallet or a leather wallet… what color is it (how thick is it? To play of the age-old joke)?

Now if you’re wearing a wedding band that will probably be the strongest statement piece — and hopefully you’re reading this to keep the spark of romance alive between you and the missus, otherwise it might be worth looking into a good lawyer.

Kidding aside though everything about you will pepper the first impression of not just women you’re interested in, but the people you encounter on a day-to-day basis.

For those of you who are still rocking the Velcro wallet, or an old digital watch you got from the dollar store and really have no idea where to begin — a safe rule to follow is:

Black leather wallet
– Black goes with everything, including fancy dress

Simple minimal watch (such as a Timex weekender)
– Again, goes with everything

(if you wear glasses) a nice face complementing frame

You do not need anything besides those — for now just get used to the feeling of the new items.

For those of you who are past the basics and are looking to add a little more spark to your daily outfits, the best course of action would be a bracelet.

Bracelets, so long as they are not too over-the-top are pieces which can be interesting without being overly polarizing.

A bracelet on a man must look like it has been with him across many adventures, it must be a part of you which you’re so used to you don’t even notice — so when you get yourself a bracelet, the best course of action is to commit to it for a few weeks, and you’ll be wearing it with the same confidence you wear any other part of your body (which I hope is a lot of confidence).

Some simple rules to follow with bracelets:

Metal bracelets should not be stacked.
Rope, bead, natural material bracelets may be stacked if they are thin.
Thin natural bracelets can be worn on the same wrist as a watch.
One wrist only, adorning both wrists with bracelets might look tacky.
bracelet

An understated set of bracelets can look quite appealing.

Rope and leather bracelets are an excellent choice for something which you can wear with anything, and have an adventurous masculine look to them — this is also an excellent impression to leave on women.

Bracelets are subtle, yet display your careful thought into making your outfit stand out from the crowd, this shows attention to detail and is yet again, a positive impression.

A woman does not want to feel like she is going to be dating just another average cookie-cutter guy, and accessorizing is your foot in the door which allows you to state “I am my own man”.

Needless to say, if you have actually worn your bracelet (or any accessory) for a long time, it can be a helpful trigger for good stories you associate wearing it, and can help conversation flow on a first date.

I don’t want to sound like I am over-hyping the benefits of accessorizing and dressing well, but if you haven’t tried doing so yet, it might just be the key to having additional success in your dating life.

I wish you all good fortune, and hope I have inspired at least some to give accessorizing and changing the way they dress a try.

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Why are woman not attracted to nice guys … find the truth here !!

You finally, for once in your life try being cocky and funny with a girl — and she eats it up — and then you ask if you should do it again?

Here are a couple of great formulas for you to remember:

Cold Feet = Cold Other Things Below The Waist
The Usual Nice Guy Routine = See Formula #1
Let’s talk about these ideas.

He’s Nice

If you ever hear a woman say the words “He’s nice” you can pull out all the money you have on you and bet that she’s not ATTRACTED to the guy she’s talking about.

Women don’t use the word “Nice” to describe men that they’re FEELING it for.

So why would you want to use the “usual nice guy routine”? What, you want to make SURE she never feels anything other than friendship for you?

Hmmmmm.

What you’re telling me here is that you knew this super-babe four years ago, but the “nice guy” rap didn’t make anything happen then… so you’re thinking that if you pour it on twice as thick it might work better this time?

Hmmmmm.

Do Something Different

Here’s a good rule of thumb:

If your behavior isn’t getting you the consistent results that you’d like to get, CHANGE IT.

Do ANYTHING different.

I’m serious here.

If what you’re doing isn’t working, DO SOMETHING ELSE IMMEDIATELY!

And if you’ve FOUND SOMETHING that works, then KEEP DOING IT!

(Hint: In case you haven’t figured it out, I think you should ix-nay the ice-nay uy-gay outine-ray.)

And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the words “nice guy” translate into “ICE-NAY UY-GAY” in Pig Latin.

Read that again, because it was pretty funny.

In summary, I think you might want to stick with the cocky+funny personality. It’s working for more than a few guys out there, and it can work for you (as you’ve seen).

Be Nice — But Don’t Be a Nice Guy

On a side topic…

From the way I talk, you might start to get the idea that I’m against being nice to women.

Quite the contrary.

I think that it’s great to be nice to women.

Just do it in a way that doesn’t make them think of you as a “nice guy.”

Oh, that sounds interesting.

So the question is:

How can I be nice without making her see me as a super-wussy who would pay a hundred dollars just to have one quick dig through her dresser?

I just figured out how to say this in a simple, concise way… so listen up:

Be cocky and funny, and bust her balls with your words, but be nice to her with your behavior!

Wow, that was cool. Nice and simple.

So here are…

A Few Examples

1) Tell her that she walks slower than your mom, then open all doors for her.

2) Tell her that she’s too uptight and she needs to settle down because it’s annoying, then rub her shoulders.

3) Give her a hard time about her driving, then kiss her.

Are you with me?

One of the concepts that I talk about in my book Double Your Dating is ALWAYS SEND MIXED MESSAGES.

Why would you want to send mixed messages?

Because it’s interesting.

Double Your Dating

Because if it’s done right, it’s attractive.

Because attractive women are fascinated by it when it’s mixed with a cocky/funny personality.

I hope that those reasons work for you.

Attractive Women Are Looking for Something Different

Attractive women are sooooo over guys who kiss up to them, buy them things, take them out, and act “nice”.

Attractive women are looking for something different.

A challenge. A spark. Sassy, cheeky, mouthy, ballsy, witty, charming. An unpredictable, funny guy like yourself to take her attention, and run with it.

Now, how unpredictable is “nice”?

How much of a challenge is “nice”?

How much of a spark is in “nice”?

Exactly. Not much.

So, in summary: Be nice… but do it on your own terms. And mix nice BEHAVIOR with COCKY AND FUNNY COMMUNICATION.

This magical combination with keep her interest for as long as you’d like to have it.

Remember This

Attractive women are different. They know that they can have anything they want. SO DON’T GIVE IT TO THEM… and they’ll love you.

Does this sound “counter-intuitive” to you?

Good. It is. And it works like gangbusters.

Remember this:

You need to understand how ATTRACTION works for women, and you need to do those things that keep the ATTRACTION BUILDING FOREVER.

Now, where does this all begin?

It begins with YOU.

And it begins with you learning how to control yourself and your emotions. It begins with you needing to understand the history of how and why men and women become attracted to each other. It begins with you learning the basics of how to use subtle body language and communication to make women feel ATTRACTION for you.

And what’s the best way to get this “in depth” education?

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How to Become More Confident Around Women In 3 Simple Steps

Let’s talk about confidence.

Girls always say that they love confidence in guys.

As I was growing up, it always felt like girls would always go for the guys who were more confident and outgoing. Whenever I had a crush on a girl, most of the time I would be too scared to ask her out. My mind would tell me things like “she probably already has a boyfriend,” and if I did try to talk to her then I would become super awkward and would barely even be able to say anything.

This makes it especially difficult because as men, we’re the ones who are expected to be the initiators when it comes to dating. It’s up to us to take the first step and ask her out, to go for the first kiss, to ask her to be exclusive, to say the first “I love you”, and so on. And this can mean having to step way, way out of your comfort zone.

How are we supposed to be confident when it comes to dating, then?

I’m not going to give you some generic advice such as “fake it until you make it” or “just be confident.” You’ve probably already heard that enough times already.

Instead, I’m going to show you the three steps that I used to finally become confident around women.

Step 1: Understand the Psychology of Confidence

The first step is to understand how the psychology of confidence works.

Simply put, confidence reflects how much faith you have in yourself that you are able to complete a task successfully. This is influenced by your experience as well as the amount of risk involved, and it’s an evolutionary survival tool designed for keeping you out of trouble.

Imagine that you’re in the jungle with a friend and your companion decides that he’s going to fight a lion with his bare hands. You, on the other hand, don’t feel confident about the idea of doing so. One of you is going to be okay and the other… probably not so much.

In order to improve your confidence, you need to build the relevant skills and experience that allow you to have more faith in yourself around what you are trying to accomplish.

Think about the first time that you drove a car. Do you remember how you felt when you first pressed that gas pedal? How you felt when you pulled out into traffic the first time? And how you felt when you drove onto the highway for the first time?

You probably felt a little nervous or unsure of yourself. After all, you had no experience other than studying the textbook in drivers’ ed class. How do you feel when you drive a car today?

By now, you’ve been driving for hundreds and hundreds of hours. You have a lot more experience and a lot of it just feels like second nature to you. Because of this, you have a lot more faith in your driving abilities today which makes you much more confident than when you were first starting out.

Let’s apply this to dating.

Confidence around dating involves gaining the skills and experiences that allow you to have more faith in yourself around women. One of the most powerful ways for you to approach this is to adopt a growth mindset.

Someone who has a growth mindset knows that their skills and abilities can always be improved. They believe that they have the power to improve themselves and they see failure as opportunities for improvement rather than becoming discouraged by it.

The opposite is a fixed mindset. Someone with a fixed mindset believes that their skills and abilities can’t be changed. They might say things like “I just don’t have what takes” or “I’ll never be as good as he is” or “I’m just not good at this.” Each of these sentences implies some sort of helplessness.

It might take some time to switch from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset, especially if you’ve been following it since you were young. By learning to recognize these types of thoughts as they pop up and then realize that they aren’t true, you’ll slowly be able to adopt the new mindset.

Step 2: Give Out Drive-By Compliments

The next step is to build up your courage by doing some drive-by compliments. To do this, you give someone a genuine compliment and then vanish.

Here are some examples:

– Nice shirt/shoes/pants/jacket!
– Your hair is awesome!
– You are a beautiful woman!
– Looking good!
– Your dog is so cute!

This sounds deceptively simple and yet is really awesome.

First and foremost, you cannot possibly be shot down by the people that you approach. Since you are not asking for anything, you risk no social rejection. And you will long be on your merry way before it can ever become awkward.

In addition, you probably made the day of everyone that you complimented. Think about it, the person you just talked to might have been having a really rough day. Suddenly, you step out of the shadows and brighten their mood with a compliment before disappearing into the night again. You’re now the mysterious stranger who went out of his way to make someone else’s day better.

Like Batman. Seriously! (Bonus points if you actually do this dressed as Batman.)

Now, the first few times you do this may feel daunting. That’s perfectly okay! When I first started giving out drive-by compliments, I was absolutely terrified. I tried to say “Looking good” to a jogger as she ran past me but I was so nervous that my voice squeaked as if I had just taken a huge breath of helium. Yikes!

After I did this a few times, my fear of approaching people started to melt away. It quickly became much easier to go up to strangers and interact with them. And seeing the smiles on the faces of everyone you talk to really makes it worth it!

Giving out drive-by compliments might feel scary at first, but it will become so much easier after the first few times. After you do this, your fear of approaching other people — including any girls that you may have your eyes on — will start to melt away.

Step 3: Start Random Conversations With Strangers

Finally, we’re going to begin some random conversations with strangers.

This is a little more daunting than drive by compliments. Here, you can get rejected. You can get shot down. And it is possible to make it totally awkward.

That’s okay. Remember that we’re using a growth mindset. If you’re playing a video game and you lose a life, do you turn the game off and never play it again? Of course not! You dust yourself off, learn what didn’t work so well, and try again! It’s the same thing here.

If you try to start a conversation with someone and it ends up becoming awkward, that’s okay. Don’t get down on yourself, and instead try to understand why it didn’t go so well. Did you say something that killed the conversation? Did you try to make a joke or tell a story that didn’t quite hit the mark? Maybe it wasn’t anything you did and the other person just didn’t feel like talking.

My recommendation is to start small. Instead of starting off by trying to chat up Megan Fox or Scarlet Johansson, set the bar a little lower and just try talking to the cashier the next time you go grocery shopping. Ask her how her day is. Maybe she’ll engage you. Or maybe not, which is also completely fine.

After that, I suggest stepping it up a little bit. The next time you are waiting in line at the coffee shop, turn to the person next to you and introduce yourself.

Another conversation starter you can try is to compliment someone and then ask them a related question instead of disappearing. So, you could say something like “Nice shirt!” and then follow up with “Is it new?” or “Where did you buy it?” Another example is to say “Your dog is so cute!” and then follow up with “What’s his name?” or “What kind of dog is he?”

In my experience, talking about weather kills conversations. It’s cliché and impersonal to try to have a conversation about the weather.

On the other hand, asking people questions about themselves often gives me good results. Everyone has an ego. If you can tap into someone else’s ego by asking them about themselves and then showing that you’re interested in what they have to say, they’ll probably talk your ear off.

Get out there and try making random conversations with strangers. You’ll get some practice talking to people and you’ll become skilled at making a conversation flow and keeping it engaging.

Being Confident Around Women

Did going through these three exercises really help me become more confident?

A little while ago, I was in the coffee shop and I happened to run into this stunningly gorgeous woman. The old Steve would have sat there paralyzed, unable to go up and talk to her. But this time was different.

This time I didn’t worry about being rejected or getting embarrassed. I didn’t feel a crippling fear holding me back or hear that voice in my head telling me that she’ll probably just turn me down.

And you know what the best part was?

For the first time, I was able to relax and just have FUN talking to a girl I liked.

Once you perfect the art of going up to random people and starting conversations, you’re going to build up a lot of faith in yourself. This will make you more confident. Naturally confident.

And you won’t ever have to fake it.

About the Author: Steven Zawila is an introvert and bookworm who runs the website charmingintrovert.com which provides authentic dating advice to introvert men about where to meet women, what to say to her, and how to be confident around her.